This article explores the emotional abuses some husbands experience and grapple with in an intimate relationship.
The information provided is intended to help abused husbands validate some of their suspicions and feelings of being emotionally abused by their spouses. Its aim is to also bring greater social awareness to what behaviours constitute husband abuse.
In cases of emotional husband abuse, the abusive spouse often attempts to strain the husband’s relationships with others – including sabotaging special functions and friendships with loved ones.
The ultimate goals of the emotionally abusive spouse are to isolate the husband from his social support systems, achieve control and assert their power position in the intimate relationship.
Some common strategies employed by abusive wives:
Negatively affecting the husband’s ability to enjoy a social engagement (for example, creating an argument right before the social gathering).
Making snide remarks to the husband during the event to make him feel self-conscious and/or to undermine his confidence.
Saying something inappropriate to embarrass him in front of others.
Being curt to his friends, family, colleagues or business clients.
It is not unusual for abusive and hurtful comments to often be said in jest. The objective is not to appear amusing. Rather it is to negate deliberate intent and to make it harder for the injured party to defend himself.
Aside from being verbally or emotionally abusive in public, many abusive females can also be caustic to their intimate partners at home. Often, abused husbands find themselves subject to growing and repeated criticisms – despite successfully meeting their partner’s expressed expectations.
Some abused husbands eventually start to feel as if they are not only endlessly hopping through a barrage of hoops but they also feel that no matter what they do or accomplish nothing is ever good enough for their spouse. Frequently, their successes are attributed to good luck rather than their ability or skill. Simultaneously, any setbacks or failures encountered by the husband are quickly attributed to his incompetence.
Other types of harmful emotional husband abuses:
Being incessantly jealous/casting unsubstantiated accusations of infidelity.
Using emotional blackmail, affection and/or sex as a weapon.
Irresponsible spending of household income – spending beyond her means.
Not sharing in joint responsibility of household expenses or chores.
Uttering verbal threats, yelling and/or swearing at the husband.
This list of emotional abuses is by no means exhaustive. However, one way to best recognize emotional abuse is to evaluate the negative emotional response someone’s behaviour evokes in another. Key indicators for emotional abuse typically leave the victim feeling:
Worthless
Ashamed and withdrawn
Anxious – especially in the presence of the abuser
Lacking self-confidence
Fearful about the future
Helpless
To bring forth positive change in an emotionally abusive relationship it is suggested victims establish a personalized list of new boundaries – including identifying abusive behaviours they will no longer tolerate from their partner.
There also needs to be an action plan in place in the event the abusive spouse disregards such expressed boundaries and expectation of mutual respect in the relationship.
While a separation might seem an unfavourable solution, it might be warranted as it can provide the necessary wake-up call for the abusive partner and motivate her to change her abusive tendencies to salvage the relationship.
Men are Victims of Violence Too
Silent victims of domestic violence still exist - and many are men. Studies validate that some women are capable of violence against their male partners. There is help.
In thousands of homes across Canada and the United States the family can be a crucible for seething violence. Women are beaten daily and innocent children are victims of brutal assaults. There is another form of violence that exists, has been largely ignored and even laughed at. Men are also victims of domestic violence.
Statistics show that men are sometimes the victim of physical and emotional abuse at the hands of their partners or spouses. Martin Fiebert, Ph.D. investigated physical aggression by women on their male partner. 285 women from 978 women polled, stated they were physically aggressive toward their male partner. He also found that women in their twenties were significantly more likely to be aggressive than women in their thirties and above.
Advocacy
Numerous studies have been conducted that validate some women are physically and emotionally aggressive in relationships. There have been public conferences about this issue and Senator Anne C Cools (of Canada) has been instrumental in helping to get these issues into the public forum.
Men rarely come forward to share their experiences, as they fear it is a loss of their manhood and they fear being labeled “a wimp”. There is now clinical literature (Williams & Myer 92) that states men are reluctant to seek help, as they fear being stigmatized. Seeking help, regardless of gender takes a wealth of strength and courage regardless of whether the victim is male or female.
Women Can Be Violent Too
Many of today’s women know of an uncle, father, brother or cousin who has been the victim of domestic violence. Women have in fact sought services for their loved ones as they can not believe what women can get away with in today’s society. They have found in their search is the attitude that if men are abused, it’s only in self-defense. In the late 1990’s there was a public debate in Toronto, “When She Hurts Him”. During this debate, Judy Rebick (former president of the National Action Committee on the Status of Women of Canada) said that if a man hits his wife it is in self-defense.
Violence against men should be no laughing matter. Yet on television and in the comics violence against men is laughed at. Many of us Seinfeld fans laughed every time Elaine acted surprised and blurted “get out” as she sent Kramer off his feet. No man will ever be seen doing that to a woman in a sitcom and getting away with it.
Public Awareness
Over the past decade there has been a lot of good work accomplished to bring awareness to this social issue. Shelters for men have opened and crisis lines have been set up specifically for men. There are empathetic individuals out there who are willing to listen and to help.
If you know of anyone, regardless of gender who has been abused, please urge them to seek help.
Violence is not a gender issue – it is a human issue.
In thousands of homes across Canada and the United States the family can be a crucible for seething violence. Women are beaten daily and innocent children are victims of brutal assaults. There is another form of violence that exists, has been largely ignored and even laughed at. Men are also victims of domestic violence.
Statistics show that men are sometimes the victim of physical and emotional abuse at the hands of their partners or spouses. Martin Fiebert, Ph.D. investigated physical aggression by women on their male partner. 285 women from 978 women polled, stated they were physically aggressive toward their male partner. He also found that women in their twenties were significantly more likely to be aggressive than women in their thirties and above.
Advocacy
Numerous studies have been conducted that validate some women are physically and emotionally aggressive in relationships. There have been public conferences about this issue and Senator Anne C Cools (of Canada) has been instrumental in helping to get these issues into the public forum.
Men rarely come forward to share their experiences, as they fear it is a loss of their manhood and they fear being labeled “a wimp”. There is now clinical literature (Williams & Myer 92) that states men are reluctant to seek help, as they fear being stigmatized. Seeking help, regardless of gender takes a wealth of strength and courage regardless of whether the victim is male or female.
Women Can Be Violent Too
Many of today’s women know of an uncle, father, brother or cousin who has been the victim of domestic violence. Women have in fact sought services for their loved ones as they can not believe what women can get away with in today’s society. They have found in their search is the attitude that if men are abused, it’s only in self-defense. In the late 1990’s there was a public debate in Toronto, “When She Hurts Him”. During this debate, Judy Rebick (former president of the National Action Committee on the Status of Women of Canada) said that if a man hits his wife it is in self-defense.
Violence against men should be no laughing matter. Yet on television and in the comics violence against men is laughed at. Many of us Seinfeld fans laughed every time Elaine acted surprised and blurted “get out” as she sent Kramer off his feet. No man will ever be seen doing that to a woman in a sitcom and getting away with it.
Public Awareness
Over the past decade there has been a lot of good work accomplished to bring awareness to this social issue. Shelters for men have opened and crisis lines have been set up specifically for men. There are empathetic individuals out there who are willing to listen and to help.
If you know of anyone, regardless of gender who has been abused, please urge them to seek help.
Violence is not a gender issue – it is a human issue.
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