Commonalities of many Domestic Abusers include low self-esteem, the use of psychological, emotional, and physical abuse,and promises to change.
Personality Traits of the abuser/batterer
Although abusers may have some type of mental illness, the perpetrators of domestic violence are usually not sick or deranged. They actually are quite cunning, having learned manipulative techniques and behaviors that allow them to dominate and control others (abusively) in order to obtain the desired responses. Law enforcement officers commonly arrive on the scenes of domestic abuse crimes and find significant evidence of a violent incident, such as an injured victim and a home in disarray, yet the perpetrator is composed and speaks casually with the officers as if nothing occurred.
Abusers often experience dramatic mood swings of highs and lows, being loving one minute, and spiteful and cruel the next. Abusers are often characterized by those outside the home as generous, caring, and behave drastically differently in their home environment. Perpetrators of domestic violence are rarely violent to those outside of their domicile.
The abusers' use of psychological, emotional, and physical abuse intertwined with periods of remorse, love, and happiness are deliberate tools used to gain control over the victim. Batterers may violently assault, then moments later apologize for their actions. Many purchase gifts of flowers, candy, and other items in order to gain forgiveness. Abusers often promise that they will never harm their partners again. Their promises include obtaining professional help or counseling, but often these promises are never kept, and are only used as another "tool" to prevent the victims from leaving.
What drives abusers to abuse?
It is the abusers' own fears and insecurities that are the main reasons they abuse. Psychologists have identified some common characteristics of domestic violence abusers. Many of the perpetrators suffer from low self-esteem, and their sense of self and identity is tied to their partner.
Violence is often used by abusers to gain and maintain all the power and authority in the relationship. They will isolate their victims by forbidding the victim to maintain outside employment, friends, and family ties. By using isolation, the abusers leave victims with no support system, and create dependency upon the abusers, thus giving them more power and control. The perpetrators also limit a survivor's options by not allowing access to checking accounts, credit cards or other financial resources.
Abusers may constantly criticize, berate and humiliate their partners, causing the victims to feel worthless, ugly, stupid, and crazy, which lowers their self-esteem. In turn the victims' low self-esteem may contribute to their feeling that they deserve the abuse. It affects their ability to see themselves as worthy of better treatment.
It is when abusers feel they are losing the victim, through separation, divorce, or emotional detachment that they will react to the situation by abusing. If victims leave through any of these methods, abusers feel they are losing power, control, and their self-identity. They will often then resort to desperate measures to maintain control over the victim.
What should you do?
Anyone suffering from abuse or who knows of someone suffering at the hands of another should contact their local police, or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at(800) 799-SAFE (7233), (800) 787-3224 (TTY).
False Allegations : Wrongful Accusations of Rape
Men falsely accused of rape destroy reputations. False allegations occur at an alarming rate. There is no justice for the false accusers.
Rape has several meanings, the lesser known being to seize, take or carry by force; or an act of violation, abuse or plunder. Having that clarification, it can be stated that when men are falsely accused of rape, they become a victim of rape. Their reputation and life as they once knew it has been forcibly seized and emotionally, they have been abused and violated.
False Accusations Exist
In a study that span nine years, sociologist Eugene J. Kanin’s findings were that in the United States, 41% of rape allegations are false. Kanin discovered that most of the false accusers were motivated by a need for an alibi or seeking revenge. Kanin was once popular and highly praised by the feminist movement for his groundbreaking research on male sexual aggression. His studies on false rape accusations have received very little interest.
These findings are not exceptional. The U.S. Air Force studied over five hundred rape accusations in 1985. More than 130 of the accusers admitted, either just before they took a lie detector test or after they had failed it, that no rape occurred. A more in depth investigation by independent reviewers established that 60% of the original rape allegations were a sham.
Linda Fairstein is the head of the New York County District Attorney's Sex Crimes Unit. She states there are a concerning 4,000 reports of rape each year in Manhattan. Of these, about 2,000 did not happen.
In Canada there is little or no justice for falsely accused men. In a small town north of Toronto a woman gave York Region Police a blood stained pair of underwear stating that her ex-husband sexually assaulted their daughter. DNA evidence proved that the woman cut herself and put her blood on the garment. She was fined $25 for public mischief.
Craig Silverman, a former Colorado prosecutor known for his zealous prosecution of rapists during his career, says that false rape accusations occur with "scary frequency.”
The crime of making a false allegation is not exclusive to women. On April 24, 2007 TimesOnline reported that Aftab Ahmed, 44 of Bradford, England was cleared of a false allegation. A teenage girl accused the cab driver of rape in January 2006. Mr Ahmed stated, “The accusations have destroyed my family. It has impacted on myself, my wife and my children. To be accused of rape is the most serious crime in my religion of Islam.” Aftab Ahmed lost everything as a result. The adolescent girl was sentenced to only four months detention.
Women Are Victims Too
Men are not the only victims of women who make false allegations. Women who are the real victims of rape, are further victimized by those who make false accusations. Words and actions by a false accuser rob the real-life victims of rape of badly needed services. These women abuse police, prosecutors and victim group resources, taking time, money and resources away from those who truly need and deserve help.
The Need for Justice
Although legislative amendment is needed, it cannot immediately stop the frequency of false allegations of rape. Society needs strict laws to aid in the education process that no one has the right to make a false allegation.
Rape is an appalling crime. False accusations of rape and the lack of accountability should be just as an intolerable of a crime as physical rape itself.
Rape has several meanings, the lesser known being to seize, take or carry by force; or an act of violation, abuse or plunder. Having that clarification, it can be stated that when men are falsely accused of rape, they become a victim of rape. Their reputation and life as they once knew it has been forcibly seized and emotionally, they have been abused and violated.
False Accusations Exist
In a study that span nine years, sociologist Eugene J. Kanin’s findings were that in the United States, 41% of rape allegations are false. Kanin discovered that most of the false accusers were motivated by a need for an alibi or seeking revenge. Kanin was once popular and highly praised by the feminist movement for his groundbreaking research on male sexual aggression. His studies on false rape accusations have received very little interest.
These findings are not exceptional. The U.S. Air Force studied over five hundred rape accusations in 1985. More than 130 of the accusers admitted, either just before they took a lie detector test or after they had failed it, that no rape occurred. A more in depth investigation by independent reviewers established that 60% of the original rape allegations were a sham.
Linda Fairstein is the head of the New York County District Attorney's Sex Crimes Unit. She states there are a concerning 4,000 reports of rape each year in Manhattan. Of these, about 2,000 did not happen.
In Canada there is little or no justice for falsely accused men. In a small town north of Toronto a woman gave York Region Police a blood stained pair of underwear stating that her ex-husband sexually assaulted their daughter. DNA evidence proved that the woman cut herself and put her blood on the garment. She was fined $25 for public mischief.
Craig Silverman, a former Colorado prosecutor known for his zealous prosecution of rapists during his career, says that false rape accusations occur with "scary frequency.”
The crime of making a false allegation is not exclusive to women. On April 24, 2007 TimesOnline reported that Aftab Ahmed, 44 of Bradford, England was cleared of a false allegation. A teenage girl accused the cab driver of rape in January 2006. Mr Ahmed stated, “The accusations have destroyed my family. It has impacted on myself, my wife and my children. To be accused of rape is the most serious crime in my religion of Islam.” Aftab Ahmed lost everything as a result. The adolescent girl was sentenced to only four months detention.
Women Are Victims Too
Men are not the only victims of women who make false allegations. Women who are the real victims of rape, are further victimized by those who make false accusations. Words and actions by a false accuser rob the real-life victims of rape of badly needed services. These women abuse police, prosecutors and victim group resources, taking time, money and resources away from those who truly need and deserve help.
The Need for Justice
Although legislative amendment is needed, it cannot immediately stop the frequency of false allegations of rape. Society needs strict laws to aid in the education process that no one has the right to make a false allegation.
Rape is an appalling crime. False accusations of rape and the lack of accountability should be just as an intolerable of a crime as physical rape itself.
The Tale of an Abused Husband
My therapist has labeled me as a codependent and emotionally battered male. This revelation has opened my eyes. Good for you! One less piece of yourself that you need to fix. You see, my therapist believes my Wife suffers from a borderline personality disorder, which is most likely related to a traumatic childhood experience. So what? Is this license to treat another person poorly? Even though I am beginning to understand why she behaves the way she does, I also realize that I have some tough decisions ahead of me if the situation doesn't improve soon. Yes.
I have been married for 23 years, and we have four children. Our two eldest sons are married. Our only daughter is in High School, and we have an 8 year-old son. He's my pride and joy.
Both my Wife and I come from abusive childhoods. My father, and her mother, were our respective tormentors. Both engaged in extreme acts of verbal and emotional abuse. Occasionally, there were incidences of physical violence in both homes. Fortunately I was able to seek the compassion of my mother, and to this day she remains my best friend. However, my Wife despises my father, and accuses me of being just like him. Hmmm...just like her, perhaps?
For many years, I was able to keep the peace by simply accepting responsibility for all that was wrong in our marriage. It had to be, I was my father's son! Wasn't I? Well, for years I suffered tremendous verbal abuse from my Wife, for no other reason than I was my father's son and was willing to accept that fact. As a result, I allowed my Wife to abuse me beyond belief. I was accused of being selfish, self-centered, a poor excuse for a provider, husband, and father. All sense of self-esteem and dignity were stripped away. The sad part was, that much of this verbal assault was perpetrated in front of my children. My children heard their mother call me "no good," "worthless," "ill-tempered," "a piss poor excuse for a father/husband," or the children were told on many occasions that they couldn't buy something they wanted in the store "because your father didn't bring home enough money." I felt ashamed and guilty, somehow I hadn't worked quite hard enough to provide for my family. Ugh!
Even though I desperately struggled for my Wife's approval, I never quite earned her praise. Later, my therapist pointed out that I was reliving my childhood struggles with my father. He quite unabashedly stated that "I had married my father." I agree. Looks like you are still striving to win his love and acceptance.
After graduating from law school and beginning a practice, I began to realize that I was not solely responsible for everything that was wrong in our marriage. With this realization, I began challenging any accusations of fault which made me feel uncomfortable. My Wife didn't expect this change in behavior. Tension in our marriage increased twofold. This is a typical scenario when the victim begins to speak up. Eventually, we found ourselves seeking marriage counseling.
It wasn't long before our joint therapist decided we needed to see separate therapists. Ultimately, it was determined that we both suffered from childhood trauma, which set the stage for the problems we were experiencing in our adult relationship with one another. Our therapists concluded that we were like a pair of bookends, both carrying baggage that had everything and nothing to do with our marriage. As well, we were both the victims and the victimizers, but for different reasons. Yes. My own behavior was associated with codependency and low self-esteem. My Wife's was associated with severe depression and compulsive rage. My therapist also believed that my Wife may be suffering from a borderline personality disorder. Despite our extensive therapy and self insight, our problems persist.
Over the course of the last three weeks, I have been locked out of my own home on three separate occasions. Because I am building a new sole practice against my Wife's wishes, and she is shouldering the brunt of the financial responsibilities, I will do as I am told - even though I was the sole provider for the family for over 18 years. The first lock out occurred three weeks ago after we had been arguing for almost three hours without resolution. I had become exhausted by the relentless arguing, and refused to argue any further. Because tempers were flaring, I went outside into the backyard to cool off. At that point, my wife locked the front door, the back door, shut off all the lights, and went to bed.
When I tried to reenter the house and found the doors locked, pure rage overcame me and I punched the glass out of the door. Immediately I felt the pain, and realized the mistake I had just made. Since it was dark, I couldn't really tell just how badly I had injured myself, until I noticed the large pool of blood forming at my feet. At that point, I began to panic. I reached in through the broken window, and unlocked the dead bolt. However, the door wouldn't open because my Wife had barricaded it, just in case I tried to break the window. I began screaming and banging on the door for my Wife to help me.
Ours dogs were barking, and my 10 year old son was screaming. But, my Wife didn't come. I then walked around to the front door, yelling for help to no avail. Then I went to the bedroom window, and saw my Wife laying on the bed reading a book. I yelled in for her assistance, and she finally opened the door. Later, she claimed she didn't hear my pleas for help. Even though my Wife offered to drive me to the hospital, I refused her offer and drove myself. When I returned at 3:00 am, the doors were closed, lights off, and she was asleep in bed. The next day, I refused to discuss anything with her, because I was still upset. She told me that if I wanted to lay on my fat ass and watch TV then I should go to my office. The following night I did just that.
She came to my office, and again confronted me. Immediately I sensed her anger. She was very confrontational and antagonistic. I asked her several times to leave, and she refused exclaiming that she owned half of the office. At this point, I insisted she leave, and she started kicking client files all over the front office. I grabbed her by the arms, intending to escort her out of the building when she kicked me in the thigh. At that point, I let go and offered her one more opportunity to leave, otherwise I was going to call the police. When she refused to leave, I dialed 911.
The police responded with three units. Thank god it was later at night! How embarrassing for a divorce attorney! Despite my Wife's claims of being pushed, the circumstances clearly indicated that she was the aggressor. Since there were no assaultive wounds, the police elected not to make any arrests, provided my Wife left peacefully. After she departed, the police inquired as whether I had somewhere to stay for the night. I told them I was just going to stay in the office and not go home. They insisted that I not even stay in the office, believing this incident was not over. The police did not want me in the office if she returned, because they were going to arrest her if she came back to the office. I spent the night elsewhere.
Much to my surprise, the police were absolutely correct. The incident wasn't over. Even though she didn't return to my office that night, she did go on a rampage when she got home. She went into my home office and gathered my personal papers, threw them into the bathtub, and burned them. Then she destroyed my personal property. Of all the property she destroyed, the care-bear was the hardest to tolerate. I have two care-bears that are about 2 feet high that sit on my dresser. They are stuffed bears made from the dresses of my two deceased grandmothers. My Wife took a steak knife from the kitchen and impaled the crime victims card given to us from the police on to the knife, and then stabbed the care-bear through the heart. My son found the care-bear the next morning. Ohhh...
The level of physical violence has been increasing over the last 6 years. Each new incident involves more destruction and greater threats. The worst part of the whole situation, is that she sees herself as the victim, and denies any responsibility whatsoever. She stops short of stating that her behavior was appropriate, but does strongly believe that her behavior was justified under the circumstances. She told me tonight, that I was so filled with anger, that I was destroying our marriage, and she could no longer live under these conditions. She argues that my refusal to discuss a problem, and to allow a problem to linger for 3-4 days was emotional abuse to her.
have tried to explain to her, that I only have to acknowledged her feelings; I don't have to agree with them. My refusal to talk for hours or days on end, is only related to her level of anger. If she continues to display anger, then I'm not going to discuss anything with her. I have tried to explain to her, that
her insistence that I accept full responsibility for what she perceives as my own misbehavior is abusive in and of itself. I have a right to disagree. I also have a right not to engage in hours of debating the issue of blame, particularly with minor problems. She is so self-absorbed, that she literally cannot see or respect my point of view. I am treated like one of the kids, and made to feel like my sole purpose in life is to fulfill her needs.
She rarely will ask me to do anything. If she wants something done, I'm ordered to do it. When I'm at home, she dominates my free time. I'm allowed very little time to myself. Since I dedicate so much time to my practice, which she also complains about, she feels I should come home ready willing and able to serve the family needs as she has defined them. Somewhere in all of this mess, I've lost track of myself.
Well, I've rambled on rather extensively, and for that I apologize. Don't. But I needed to express some of the intense pain I'm feeling right now. I feel very confused and uncertain of myself. My therapist tells me that I'm allowing that codependency to creep in again. Maybe I am, but I'm just searching for answers. You would think that a divorce attorney, like the Judge, would be able to manage their lives better. But I guess my situation just goes to prove that the grass isn't always greener on the other side.
Thank you for your patience and understanding, and I'm looking forward to your response. -Jim
Dear Jim,
I don't care if you are an attorney, a marriage counselor, or a blacksmith. Doctors catch colds and financial experts go bust. You are human. You are also clearly a victim of abuse - and, you continue to allow it. Have you read the books on the victim people's reading list? What exactly are you uncertain about? What are you waiting for? A sign from above? Well, you've got it: one totally whacko experience, and then some.
Your wife, if indeed borderline, is unlikely to overcome her over-emotional tendencies. In addition, your "acceptance" of her misbehavior certainly gives her no incentive to change her ways. Do you think it is somehow "OK" for her to treat you the way she does given that she is an abuse survivor? (I don't.)
You say you've lost track of yourself. Of course you have. Your entire account is about the writing on the wall - writing you obviously discount and refuse to take seriously!
It is interesting that you capitalize the "w" in "wife." A little sardonic humor? Seriously, Jim, unless you secretly enjoy the drama you are experiencing (which I truly doubt), what are you doing in this marriage?
Jim, please keep us posted. Good luck to you and take care of yourself (for a change). -Dr. Irene
I have been married for 23 years, and we have four children. Our two eldest sons are married. Our only daughter is in High School, and we have an 8 year-old son. He's my pride and joy.
Both my Wife and I come from abusive childhoods. My father, and her mother, were our respective tormentors. Both engaged in extreme acts of verbal and emotional abuse. Occasionally, there were incidences of physical violence in both homes. Fortunately I was able to seek the compassion of my mother, and to this day she remains my best friend. However, my Wife despises my father, and accuses me of being just like him. Hmmm...just like her, perhaps?
For many years, I was able to keep the peace by simply accepting responsibility for all that was wrong in our marriage. It had to be, I was my father's son! Wasn't I? Well, for years I suffered tremendous verbal abuse from my Wife, for no other reason than I was my father's son and was willing to accept that fact. As a result, I allowed my Wife to abuse me beyond belief. I was accused of being selfish, self-centered, a poor excuse for a provider, husband, and father. All sense of self-esteem and dignity were stripped away. The sad part was, that much of this verbal assault was perpetrated in front of my children. My children heard their mother call me "no good," "worthless," "ill-tempered," "a piss poor excuse for a father/husband," or the children were told on many occasions that they couldn't buy something they wanted in the store "because your father didn't bring home enough money." I felt ashamed and guilty, somehow I hadn't worked quite hard enough to provide for my family. Ugh!
Even though I desperately struggled for my Wife's approval, I never quite earned her praise. Later, my therapist pointed out that I was reliving my childhood struggles with my father. He quite unabashedly stated that "I had married my father." I agree. Looks like you are still striving to win his love and acceptance.
After graduating from law school and beginning a practice, I began to realize that I was not solely responsible for everything that was wrong in our marriage. With this realization, I began challenging any accusations of fault which made me feel uncomfortable. My Wife didn't expect this change in behavior. Tension in our marriage increased twofold. This is a typical scenario when the victim begins to speak up. Eventually, we found ourselves seeking marriage counseling.
It wasn't long before our joint therapist decided we needed to see separate therapists. Ultimately, it was determined that we both suffered from childhood trauma, which set the stage for the problems we were experiencing in our adult relationship with one another. Our therapists concluded that we were like a pair of bookends, both carrying baggage that had everything and nothing to do with our marriage. As well, we were both the victims and the victimizers, but for different reasons. Yes. My own behavior was associated with codependency and low self-esteem. My Wife's was associated with severe depression and compulsive rage. My therapist also believed that my Wife may be suffering from a borderline personality disorder. Despite our extensive therapy and self insight, our problems persist.
Over the course of the last three weeks, I have been locked out of my own home on three separate occasions. Because I am building a new sole practice against my Wife's wishes, and she is shouldering the brunt of the financial responsibilities, I will do as I am told - even though I was the sole provider for the family for over 18 years. The first lock out occurred three weeks ago after we had been arguing for almost three hours without resolution. I had become exhausted by the relentless arguing, and refused to argue any further. Because tempers were flaring, I went outside into the backyard to cool off. At that point, my wife locked the front door, the back door, shut off all the lights, and went to bed.
When I tried to reenter the house and found the doors locked, pure rage overcame me and I punched the glass out of the door. Immediately I felt the pain, and realized the mistake I had just made. Since it was dark, I couldn't really tell just how badly I had injured myself, until I noticed the large pool of blood forming at my feet. At that point, I began to panic. I reached in through the broken window, and unlocked the dead bolt. However, the door wouldn't open because my Wife had barricaded it, just in case I tried to break the window. I began screaming and banging on the door for my Wife to help me.
Ours dogs were barking, and my 10 year old son was screaming. But, my Wife didn't come. I then walked around to the front door, yelling for help to no avail. Then I went to the bedroom window, and saw my Wife laying on the bed reading a book. I yelled in for her assistance, and she finally opened the door. Later, she claimed she didn't hear my pleas for help. Even though my Wife offered to drive me to the hospital, I refused her offer and drove myself. When I returned at 3:00 am, the doors were closed, lights off, and she was asleep in bed. The next day, I refused to discuss anything with her, because I was still upset. She told me that if I wanted to lay on my fat ass and watch TV then I should go to my office. The following night I did just that.
She came to my office, and again confronted me. Immediately I sensed her anger. She was very confrontational and antagonistic. I asked her several times to leave, and she refused exclaiming that she owned half of the office. At this point, I insisted she leave, and she started kicking client files all over the front office. I grabbed her by the arms, intending to escort her out of the building when she kicked me in the thigh. At that point, I let go and offered her one more opportunity to leave, otherwise I was going to call the police. When she refused to leave, I dialed 911.
The police responded with three units. Thank god it was later at night! How embarrassing for a divorce attorney! Despite my Wife's claims of being pushed, the circumstances clearly indicated that she was the aggressor. Since there were no assaultive wounds, the police elected not to make any arrests, provided my Wife left peacefully. After she departed, the police inquired as whether I had somewhere to stay for the night. I told them I was just going to stay in the office and not go home. They insisted that I not even stay in the office, believing this incident was not over. The police did not want me in the office if she returned, because they were going to arrest her if she came back to the office. I spent the night elsewhere.
Much to my surprise, the police were absolutely correct. The incident wasn't over. Even though she didn't return to my office that night, she did go on a rampage when she got home. She went into my home office and gathered my personal papers, threw them into the bathtub, and burned them. Then she destroyed my personal property. Of all the property she destroyed, the care-bear was the hardest to tolerate. I have two care-bears that are about 2 feet high that sit on my dresser. They are stuffed bears made from the dresses of my two deceased grandmothers. My Wife took a steak knife from the kitchen and impaled the crime victims card given to us from the police on to the knife, and then stabbed the care-bear through the heart. My son found the care-bear the next morning. Ohhh...
The level of physical violence has been increasing over the last 6 years. Each new incident involves more destruction and greater threats. The worst part of the whole situation, is that she sees herself as the victim, and denies any responsibility whatsoever. She stops short of stating that her behavior was appropriate, but does strongly believe that her behavior was justified under the circumstances. She told me tonight, that I was so filled with anger, that I was destroying our marriage, and she could no longer live under these conditions. She argues that my refusal to discuss a problem, and to allow a problem to linger for 3-4 days was emotional abuse to her.
have tried to explain to her, that I only have to acknowledged her feelings; I don't have to agree with them. My refusal to talk for hours or days on end, is only related to her level of anger. If she continues to display anger, then I'm not going to discuss anything with her. I have tried to explain to her, that
her insistence that I accept full responsibility for what she perceives as my own misbehavior is abusive in and of itself. I have a right to disagree. I also have a right not to engage in hours of debating the issue of blame, particularly with minor problems. She is so self-absorbed, that she literally cannot see or respect my point of view. I am treated like one of the kids, and made to feel like my sole purpose in life is to fulfill her needs.
She rarely will ask me to do anything. If she wants something done, I'm ordered to do it. When I'm at home, she dominates my free time. I'm allowed very little time to myself. Since I dedicate so much time to my practice, which she also complains about, she feels I should come home ready willing and able to serve the family needs as she has defined them. Somewhere in all of this mess, I've lost track of myself.
Well, I've rambled on rather extensively, and for that I apologize. Don't. But I needed to express some of the intense pain I'm feeling right now. I feel very confused and uncertain of myself. My therapist tells me that I'm allowing that codependency to creep in again. Maybe I am, but I'm just searching for answers. You would think that a divorce attorney, like the Judge, would be able to manage their lives better. But I guess my situation just goes to prove that the grass isn't always greener on the other side.
Thank you for your patience and understanding, and I'm looking forward to your response. -Jim
Dear Jim,
I don't care if you are an attorney, a marriage counselor, or a blacksmith. Doctors catch colds and financial experts go bust. You are human. You are also clearly a victim of abuse - and, you continue to allow it. Have you read the books on the victim people's reading list? What exactly are you uncertain about? What are you waiting for? A sign from above? Well, you've got it: one totally whacko experience, and then some.
Your wife, if indeed borderline, is unlikely to overcome her over-emotional tendencies. In addition, your "acceptance" of her misbehavior certainly gives her no incentive to change her ways. Do you think it is somehow "OK" for her to treat you the way she does given that she is an abuse survivor? (I don't.)
You say you've lost track of yourself. Of course you have. Your entire account is about the writing on the wall - writing you obviously discount and refuse to take seriously!
It is interesting that you capitalize the "w" in "wife." A little sardonic humor? Seriously, Jim, unless you secretly enjoy the drama you are experiencing (which I truly doubt), what are you doing in this marriage?
Jim, please keep us posted. Good luck to you and take care of yourself (for a change). -Dr. Irene
Identifying Types of Husband Abuse
This article explores the emotional abuses some husbands experience and grapple with in an intimate relationship.
The information provided is intended to help abused husbands validate some of their suspicions and feelings of being emotionally abused by their spouses. Its aim is to also bring greater social awareness to what behaviours constitute husband abuse.
In cases of emotional husband abuse, the abusive spouse often attempts to strain the husband’s relationships with others – including sabotaging special functions and friendships with loved ones.
The ultimate goals of the emotionally abusive spouse are to isolate the husband from his social support systems, achieve control and assert their power position in the intimate relationship.
Some common strategies employed by abusive wives:
Negatively affecting the husband’s ability to enjoy a social engagement (for example, creating an argument right before the social gathering).
Making snide remarks to the husband during the event to make him feel self-conscious and/or to undermine his confidence.
Saying something inappropriate to embarrass him in front of others.
Being curt to his friends, family, colleagues or business clients.
It is not unusual for abusive and hurtful comments to often be said in jest. The objective is not to appear amusing. Rather it is to negate deliberate intent and to make it harder for the injured party to defend himself.
Aside from being verbally or emotionally abusive in public, many abusive females can also be caustic to their intimate partners at home. Often, abused husbands find themselves subject to growing and repeated criticisms – despite successfully meeting their partner’s expressed expectations.
Some abused husbands eventually start to feel as if they are not only endlessly hopping through a barrage of hoops but they also feel that no matter what they do or accomplish nothing is ever good enough for their spouse. Frequently, their successes are attributed to good luck rather than their ability or skill. Simultaneously, any setbacks or failures encountered by the husband are quickly attributed to his incompetence.
Other types of harmful emotional husband abuses:
Being incessantly jealous/casting unsubstantiated accusations of infidelity.
Using emotional blackmail, affection and/or sex as a weapon.
Irresponsible spending of household income – spending beyond her means.
Not sharing in joint responsibility of household expenses or chores.
Uttering verbal threats, yelling and/or swearing at the husband.
This list of emotional abuses is by no means exhaustive. However, one way to best recognize emotional abuse is to evaluate the negative emotional response someone’s behaviour evokes in another. Key indicators for emotional abuse typically leave the victim feeling:
Worthless
Ashamed and withdrawn
Anxious – especially in the presence of the abuser
Lacking self-confidence
Fearful about the future
Helpless
To bring forth positive change in an emotionally abusive relationship it is suggested victims establish a personalized list of new boundaries – including identifying abusive behaviours they will no longer tolerate from their partner.
There also needs to be an action plan in place in the event the abusive spouse disregards such expressed boundaries and expectation of mutual respect in the relationship.
While a separation might seem an unfavourable solution, it might be warranted as it can provide the necessary wake-up call for the abusive partner and motivate her to change her abusive tendencies to salvage the relationship.
The information provided is intended to help abused husbands validate some of their suspicions and feelings of being emotionally abused by their spouses. Its aim is to also bring greater social awareness to what behaviours constitute husband abuse.
In cases of emotional husband abuse, the abusive spouse often attempts to strain the husband’s relationships with others – including sabotaging special functions and friendships with loved ones.
The ultimate goals of the emotionally abusive spouse are to isolate the husband from his social support systems, achieve control and assert their power position in the intimate relationship.
Some common strategies employed by abusive wives:
Negatively affecting the husband’s ability to enjoy a social engagement (for example, creating an argument right before the social gathering).
Making snide remarks to the husband during the event to make him feel self-conscious and/or to undermine his confidence.
Saying something inappropriate to embarrass him in front of others.
Being curt to his friends, family, colleagues or business clients.
It is not unusual for abusive and hurtful comments to often be said in jest. The objective is not to appear amusing. Rather it is to negate deliberate intent and to make it harder for the injured party to defend himself.
Aside from being verbally or emotionally abusive in public, many abusive females can also be caustic to their intimate partners at home. Often, abused husbands find themselves subject to growing and repeated criticisms – despite successfully meeting their partner’s expressed expectations.
Some abused husbands eventually start to feel as if they are not only endlessly hopping through a barrage of hoops but they also feel that no matter what they do or accomplish nothing is ever good enough for their spouse. Frequently, their successes are attributed to good luck rather than their ability or skill. Simultaneously, any setbacks or failures encountered by the husband are quickly attributed to his incompetence.
Other types of harmful emotional husband abuses:
Being incessantly jealous/casting unsubstantiated accusations of infidelity.
Using emotional blackmail, affection and/or sex as a weapon.
Irresponsible spending of household income – spending beyond her means.
Not sharing in joint responsibility of household expenses or chores.
Uttering verbal threats, yelling and/or swearing at the husband.
This list of emotional abuses is by no means exhaustive. However, one way to best recognize emotional abuse is to evaluate the negative emotional response someone’s behaviour evokes in another. Key indicators for emotional abuse typically leave the victim feeling:
Worthless
Ashamed and withdrawn
Anxious – especially in the presence of the abuser
Lacking self-confidence
Fearful about the future
Helpless
To bring forth positive change in an emotionally abusive relationship it is suggested victims establish a personalized list of new boundaries – including identifying abusive behaviours they will no longer tolerate from their partner.
There also needs to be an action plan in place in the event the abusive spouse disregards such expressed boundaries and expectation of mutual respect in the relationship.
While a separation might seem an unfavourable solution, it might be warranted as it can provide the necessary wake-up call for the abusive partner and motivate her to change her abusive tendencies to salvage the relationship.
Men are Victims of Violence Too
Silent victims of domestic violence still exist - and many are men. Studies validate that some women are capable of violence against their male partners. There is help.
In thousands of homes across Canada and the United States the family can be a crucible for seething violence. Women are beaten daily and innocent children are victims of brutal assaults. There is another form of violence that exists, has been largely ignored and even laughed at. Men are also victims of domestic violence.
Statistics show that men are sometimes the victim of physical and emotional abuse at the hands of their partners or spouses. Martin Fiebert, Ph.D. investigated physical aggression by women on their male partner. 285 women from 978 women polled, stated they were physically aggressive toward their male partner. He also found that women in their twenties were significantly more likely to be aggressive than women in their thirties and above.
Advocacy
Numerous studies have been conducted that validate some women are physically and emotionally aggressive in relationships. There have been public conferences about this issue and Senator Anne C Cools (of Canada) has been instrumental in helping to get these issues into the public forum.
Men rarely come forward to share their experiences, as they fear it is a loss of their manhood and they fear being labeled “a wimp”. There is now clinical literature (Williams & Myer 92) that states men are reluctant to seek help, as they fear being stigmatized. Seeking help, regardless of gender takes a wealth of strength and courage regardless of whether the victim is male or female.
Women Can Be Violent Too
Many of today’s women know of an uncle, father, brother or cousin who has been the victim of domestic violence. Women have in fact sought services for their loved ones as they can not believe what women can get away with in today’s society. They have found in their search is the attitude that if men are abused, it’s only in self-defense. In the late 1990’s there was a public debate in Toronto, “When She Hurts Him”. During this debate, Judy Rebick (former president of the National Action Committee on the Status of Women of Canada) said that if a man hits his wife it is in self-defense.
Violence against men should be no laughing matter. Yet on television and in the comics violence against men is laughed at. Many of us Seinfeld fans laughed every time Elaine acted surprised and blurted “get out” as she sent Kramer off his feet. No man will ever be seen doing that to a woman in a sitcom and getting away with it.
Public Awareness
Over the past decade there has been a lot of good work accomplished to bring awareness to this social issue. Shelters for men have opened and crisis lines have been set up specifically for men. There are empathetic individuals out there who are willing to listen and to help.
If you know of anyone, regardless of gender who has been abused, please urge them to seek help.
Violence is not a gender issue – it is a human issue.
In thousands of homes across Canada and the United States the family can be a crucible for seething violence. Women are beaten daily and innocent children are victims of brutal assaults. There is another form of violence that exists, has been largely ignored and even laughed at. Men are also victims of domestic violence.
Statistics show that men are sometimes the victim of physical and emotional abuse at the hands of their partners or spouses. Martin Fiebert, Ph.D. investigated physical aggression by women on their male partner. 285 women from 978 women polled, stated they were physically aggressive toward their male partner. He also found that women in their twenties were significantly more likely to be aggressive than women in their thirties and above.
Advocacy
Numerous studies have been conducted that validate some women are physically and emotionally aggressive in relationships. There have been public conferences about this issue and Senator Anne C Cools (of Canada) has been instrumental in helping to get these issues into the public forum.
Men rarely come forward to share their experiences, as they fear it is a loss of their manhood and they fear being labeled “a wimp”. There is now clinical literature (Williams & Myer 92) that states men are reluctant to seek help, as they fear being stigmatized. Seeking help, regardless of gender takes a wealth of strength and courage regardless of whether the victim is male or female.
Women Can Be Violent Too
Many of today’s women know of an uncle, father, brother or cousin who has been the victim of domestic violence. Women have in fact sought services for their loved ones as they can not believe what women can get away with in today’s society. They have found in their search is the attitude that if men are abused, it’s only in self-defense. In the late 1990’s there was a public debate in Toronto, “When She Hurts Him”. During this debate, Judy Rebick (former president of the National Action Committee on the Status of Women of Canada) said that if a man hits his wife it is in self-defense.
Violence against men should be no laughing matter. Yet on television and in the comics violence against men is laughed at. Many of us Seinfeld fans laughed every time Elaine acted surprised and blurted “get out” as she sent Kramer off his feet. No man will ever be seen doing that to a woman in a sitcom and getting away with it.
Public Awareness
Over the past decade there has been a lot of good work accomplished to bring awareness to this social issue. Shelters for men have opened and crisis lines have been set up specifically for men. There are empathetic individuals out there who are willing to listen and to help.
If you know of anyone, regardless of gender who has been abused, please urge them to seek help.
Violence is not a gender issue – it is a human issue.
Victim No. 10 from HOWRAH
Sir,my marriage was solmnised on 22.02.2004 and my baby was born on 24.12.2004.On 22.08.2005,I have put-up my hand on her due to some petty quarrel and she went to her parents home after lodging a GD to the local police station.When police has not taken any action on us,she filed a FIR through SP.But police kept silent.Then she filed a case u/s 498A and 406 of IPC and I have received a summon from distric court for appearence on 07.01.2006.
My wife makes hasty decisions without thinking properly and she is greatly influenced by her mother.In fact she is a puppet of her mother.
The case relates to the following points which are false:-
1.We started torturing her due to birth of a female child.In fact it is a matter of great happiness for us to have a female child as our joint family consists of self,mother,father and a brother and we were so happy that we have celebrated her birth and we have a CD for videography.
2.We have misappropriated the gift she brought.But this was not mention in FIR.
3.We are demanding luxury goods and also this was not mentioned in FIR.
My wife makes hasty decisions without thinking properly and she is greatly influenced by her mother.In fact she is a puppet of her mother.
The case relates to the following points which are false:-
1.We started torturing her due to birth of a female child.In fact it is a matter of great happiness for us to have a female child as our joint family consists of self,mother,father and a brother and we were so happy that we have celebrated her birth and we have a CD for videography.
2.We have misappropriated the gift she brought.But this was not mention in FIR.
3.We are demanding luxury goods and also this was not mentioned in FIR.
Victim No. 9 from NJ, USA
My wife filed 498a case, and she is not coming to court as she cannot prove accusation on me and my family as they are completely wrong.
They just want to keep this 498a case pending so they can presurrise us.
My family is going in court for every date as we have not taken dowry and we have not anything to her. My wife\'s family also gave this 498a news in local newspaper to malign my families perstige.
I want my families honour back.
They just want to keep this 498a case pending so they can presurrise us.
My family is going in court for every date as we have not taken dowry and we have not anything to her. My wife\'s family also gave this 498a news in local newspaper to malign my families perstige.
I want my families honour back.
Victim No. 8 from Los Angeles, USA
I am in USA right now.
My wife has tortured my elderly widow mother while my mother came to me for a short visit.
My mother was even treated for mental stress by a doctor over here. My wife threatened her so much. My wife being an MBA.
They demended that I should leave my mother and my other relatives forever.
Now she went to India and after 10 months she and her parents have filed Dawry/Torture case against me and my mother. My mother is going to Police for hearing. She is alone. The girls father shouts at my widow mom.
They were threatening me already when my wife left me. So, I filed for divorce in USA and got it.
How do I get peace of mind now. They are threatening my mom and relatives and we dont say anything. We are suffering.
My wife has tortured my elderly widow mother while my mother came to me for a short visit.
My mother was even treated for mental stress by a doctor over here. My wife threatened her so much. My wife being an MBA.
They demended that I should leave my mother and my other relatives forever.
Now she went to India and after 10 months she and her parents have filed Dawry/Torture case against me and my mother. My mother is going to Police for hearing. She is alone. The girls father shouts at my widow mom.
They were threatening me already when my wife left me. So, I filed for divorce in USA and got it.
How do I get peace of mind now. They are threatening my mom and relatives and we dont say anything. We are suffering.
Victim No. 7 from Dubai
Iam a muslim and working at Dubai and got married in June,2005 basing
that she is M.C.A After marriage i lived with her for 18 days and left to Dubai. AFter my left, the bride\'s parents took her place. As the bride given false info that she is M.C.A and I started asking about M.C.A copies and Marriage certificate for visa processing from Dubai. As she is not responding and delaying I found through university and got she didnt complete her exams. As she lied always and mother in law is in dominatingly and started accusing me and my family as they found guilty. I shocked and found the family is having worest behaviour and blackmailing my family by saying that Police and court etc., In between i approached elders to settle matter, that time elders requested to give the chance and i accepted as she will change her attitude as I went to India in OCt,2005 solve the issue. infront elders she acted that she will listen. But after she started tourturing me and my family and demanding to give 50 laks indirectly. Finally I wrote a letter to her and her her parents in Dec,2005 to come back to my home. But no response Yet. As she is having health problem asking about the details. They gave wrong info to me.
Before left she will lodge a complaint leave all of my family memebers.
I Approched the lawyer, he told to wait until they lodge any complaint. I dont know what to do as my parents are respectable officers in Central Govt. Considering their health also what i have to do.
Please help me in this regard
Thank you, Analyst
Dubai
that she is M.C.A After marriage i lived with her for 18 days and left to Dubai. AFter my left, the bride\'s parents took her place. As the bride given false info that she is M.C.A and I started asking about M.C.A copies and Marriage certificate for visa processing from Dubai. As she is not responding and delaying I found through university and got she didnt complete her exams. As she lied always and mother in law is in dominatingly and started accusing me and my family as they found guilty. I shocked and found the family is having worest behaviour and blackmailing my family by saying that Police and court etc., In between i approached elders to settle matter, that time elders requested to give the chance and i accepted as she will change her attitude as I went to India in OCt,2005 solve the issue. infront elders she acted that she will listen. But after she started tourturing me and my family and demanding to give 50 laks indirectly. Finally I wrote a letter to her and her her parents in Dec,2005 to come back to my home. But no response Yet. As she is having health problem asking about the details. They gave wrong info to me.
Before left she will lodge a complaint leave all of my family memebers.
I Approched the lawyer, he told to wait until they lodge any complaint. I dont know what to do as my parents are respectable officers in Central Govt. Considering their health also what i have to do.
Please help me in this regard
Thank you, Analyst
Dubai
Victim No. 6 from CT, USA
Dear Friends:
I have been in the same 498A Fraud case since last 6 years, fighting with my inlaws who are from Ajmer, we are from Mumbai.
- Please advise if we can get the case transferred from Rajasthan to Mumbai. How to go about.
- What is the time period for such cases
- FIR has been filed for my entire family, except for me as I was in the USA at that time.
- Interpole\'s role, in these case.
Any support group in NY, NJ or CT
Thanks
I have been in the same 498A Fraud case since last 6 years, fighting with my inlaws who are from Ajmer, we are from Mumbai.
- Please advise if we can get the case transferred from Rajasthan to Mumbai. How to go about.
- What is the time period for such cases
- FIR has been filed for my entire family, except for me as I was in the USA at that time.
- Interpole\'s role, in these case.
Any support group in NY, NJ or CT
Thanks
Victim No. 5 from Hyderabad
I was on the verge to going to US..and 498 stuck me....through my wife. why would a person earning in dollars do dowry harrasment? police didnot hear...now the law is taking its own time.....
Justice delayed is Justice denied.
I want everybody indiviual whose life had taken this worse turn..to take up this cause and fight against injustice and force women-friendly government to change laws to an extent this law doesnot get misused. Yes..i do agree...some women are facing problems.....but even boy\'s mother & sisters are also women...which law is protecting them for this ?
Justice delayed is Justice denied.
I want everybody indiviual whose life had taken this worse turn..to take up this cause and fight against injustice and force women-friendly government to change laws to an extent this law doesnot get misused. Yes..i do agree...some women are facing problems.....but even boy\'s mother & sisters are also women...which law is protecting them for this ?
Victim No. 4 from secunderabad
i got married in the month of may in 2004, she stayed with us for two months then suddenly she raised a issue to separate to live from my parents,(since her parents came to the city where we r living).
i refused to stay without my parents...then immdtly she has given me two options
1.i have to transfer all my assets on her name if she lives with my parents
2.i have to live separately with her along with her parents
i refused for both options......
since then the negotiations r going on but ultimately they have taken extreme step to file the case.
so finally they filed the case on three of us(myself,mom and dad).when they filed the case i was out of town so my parents faced this worst situation and one night they were behind the bars.
now they came for out of court settlement.....could u pls help me how to go about it?
i refused to stay without my parents...then immdtly she has given me two options
1.i have to transfer all my assets on her name if she lives with my parents
2.i have to live separately with her along with her parents
i refused for both options......
since then the negotiations r going on but ultimately they have taken extreme step to file the case.
so finally they filed the case on three of us(myself,mom and dad).when they filed the case i was out of town so my parents faced this worst situation and one night they were behind the bars.
now they came for out of court settlement.....could u pls help me how to go about it?
Victim No. 3 from mumbai
I year 2000 - my wife says that i am not handsome & she is not satisfied in sex with me - she got married only because he is afraid of his Seven brother - because they chose me, but same think she don\'t tell it in front of her brother - making false statement I was charged with a 498(a), i lose the case, jude gave me 1 year imprisment, I applied in upper court - we compromise it - Now (from 2004) i am staying with wife at with her parent & brother residence, again same thing she is doing - in alone she is shouting,abusing me. All my salary she is taking I am not giving a single penny to my parents. I am the only son of my parents. Again her mom & brother is saying that live with her otherwise again they will file 498 complaint - they are not ready to listen to me that she dont want to live with me - she make false statment that i am shouting her beating her. Her mom & brother listen to her what she say is right what i say is false, in front of them she become very inocent.
Suggest me how to overcome from this situation....
Suggest me how to overcome from this situation....
Victim No. 2 from New Delhi
I get married in march this year all thing is going well my family is educaed n i am a government servent even we pay half for the marriage arrangement which is to be bear by the girl family problem starts when my brother which is working in another state transferred in our city so my father shifted us to bigger room in the same house and brother to small room that time my wife is not there when she came back she had talk falsely to my father n mother that why they shifted her room and shouted on them after that she took her own jewellery and my mother jewelery which my mother gave her to wear on some party occasions then she left her house and moved to her mother house it was about a month back till then whe lives with her mother whenever i talke dto her she old me that she want to live alone now she start syaing we will live in my father\'s other house but i dont want to leave my famliy and feared of that she would file a case against me and my family. after marrige she regularly goes to meet her mother as her house in the same city just 5-6 Km far from house she even ho 4 times a week at her house. when i told her not to go there she threaten me to do sucide. whe is pregnant and from her mothers family some people start rumoring to our relatives that we beat her and we thrown her out of the house. tell me what to do what is the solution of that problem
Victim No. 1 from R.O.Ireland
Married In India, No Marraige Cert. therefore Court marraige where one swers not already married in Ireland.Wife did a Masters Univ.Degree,and worked as an assistant Law Librarian for Barristers, Left on the day got a passing result in Exams. which were received on Return after4 weeks in India.
Bought one way ticket from own funds and never wrote back.
Divorce Petition filed in U.K. as I am domicile of U.K.She refused to accept petition, a lawyer in Agra hired who served the petition.
MAIN WORRY IS CAN 498A BE FILED WITHOUT OUR KNOWLEDGE, AND CAN MY FAMILY VISITING INDIA BE ARRESTED ON ENTRY AT ANY AIRPORT.IS IT WISE NOT TO TRAVEL TO USUAL INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT/
HOW CAN WE GET A LAWYER WILLING TO COMMUNICATE BY EMAIL, AS OPPOSED TO ON PHONE AND SAY ONE THING ONLY TO GET MONEY FROM NRI.I AM NOT WEALTHY ONLY A WORKING CLASS MAN.
P.S. I DO NOT OWN A PROPERTY NOR A CAR.
Bought one way ticket from own funds and never wrote back.
Divorce Petition filed in U.K. as I am domicile of U.K.She refused to accept petition, a lawyer in Agra hired who served the petition.
MAIN WORRY IS CAN 498A BE FILED WITHOUT OUR KNOWLEDGE, AND CAN MY FAMILY VISITING INDIA BE ARRESTED ON ENTRY AT ANY AIRPORT.IS IT WISE NOT TO TRAVEL TO USUAL INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT/
HOW CAN WE GET A LAWYER WILLING TO COMMUNICATE BY EMAIL, AS OPPOSED TO ON PHONE AND SAY ONE THING ONLY TO GET MONEY FROM NRI.I AM NOT WEALTHY ONLY A WORKING CLASS MAN.
P.S. I DO NOT OWN A PROPERTY NOR A CAR.
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